I do not like beginnings!
Actually, they are often what enables my procrastination habits, and why I put off starting this platform for so long. I would tell myself to start when the “timing was right,” when I came up with the “perfect plan,” or when I figured out the “right content.” Essentially, I’ve kept myself from actually just jumping in and figuring things out. I was afraid to be awkward and not so great at something on the first try and then have to problem-solve.
But yesterday, I had the realization that I am my best creatively when I am not thinking too hard about something and letting my enthusiasm push me into the deep end. I have had a hard time getting through my drafts lately and just grinding so hard to produce my best that it’s just boggled things up and made my writing very dense, hard to understand, and not engaging.
This week I banged out a review in about 6 hours that I felt proud of and read concisely and was interesting. The difference between yesterday and the past month was just a mindset. I knew I had to finish a draft I had promised for a certain time. I had eight hours and needed the result to be nearly perfect with minimal structural edits. So, I knew I had to take my time but still begin and not think too hard about it. I had a first draft where I brain-vomited all my thoughts then I started out by just writing simple clear sentences exactly as they came to me. I wasn’t going to try to be anything but just write clearly, trusting that I had the ability from lots of practice to produce good work either the first or third time I tried something. And it worked! Relaxing my expectation, being more present, and trusting I could eventually make my draft quality work I was proud of produced better quality than overthinking and stressing. Shocking to no one but a lesson I learn over and over again.
I am my best when I do not think too hard
That is actually how I became confident in the pool. At my Dad’s rental house one summer, my sis was frustrated I wasn’t in the pool with her playing when I was 6 or 7. I had started swim lessons at our local YMCA and learned to kick, float, and doggy paddle. I could be in the pool without a floaty. But I was still struggling to just let go and have fun. So, she just pushed me in one afternoon. Then she and my dad watched closely to see what would happen. Spoiler, I was fine. After freaking out for a few seconds and splashing around a lot, I got myself out of the pool without inhaling water or hurting myself. I asked them why no one intervened when they saw me struggle. My dad responded that I was actually doing all the right things and needed to just figure it out for myself. Aside from being a jerkish parental lesson. I also recognize that I can think and wait so much for an opening when I need to jump in, splash around a bit, and then find my way through.
So, this post officially starts my substack journey! I have wanted since I graduated college to start a newsletter, blog, or platform for all the ideas and conversations my mom gets tired of me harassing her with. I have also exhausted many a group chat with my random thoughts. So now, I’ll simply share them with y’all, and hopefully, over time, this will morph itself into something. We’ll see what happens.
Rapid fire thoughts:
📚 🤫 I never finished In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado during my MFA Program; hopefully, I will this weekend. I also need to finally finish Sula by Toni Morrison and Ocean Vuong’s On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, but they’re dense, and I am having a hard time relaxing enough to enjoy them.
🎵 If you made it this far, I’m in search of a good summer playlist with current hits and cookout classics. Plz, leave your fav songs or playlists in the comments!
📺 Summer House Reunion and The Ultimatum: Queer Love are my mindless watching choices right now, although I am tempted to watch Bach in Paradise Canada cause an acquaintance from camp is on the show.
🥘 I tried making calzones for the first time this week cause a friend told me they were easy. They aren’t! But I will continue trying to make a good calzone cause why not a fancy hot pocket?
🙃 I want to try the combo Blue Ivy does on the Renaissance tour, but I don’t have a lot of space in my room and hurt myself trying the Monroe cheerleaders combo that went viral on tik tok.
🔥 I fired up group chats this week, sending my family this article about Egypt not wanting an exhibition in their country about Black Americans being inspired by Egypt and asking my friend if Faith Evans strained a bit in “Soon As I Get Home.”