Thinking of the Dead

Being depressing about Halloween? It's called range!

With this post, I’ll have found a way to overthink Halloween. It’s a feat, as this is my season to be as silly and whimsical as possible. But the smiles act as masks in a season that can also bring out my insecurities and regrets.

Photo by Taylor Michael

Spooky season not only conjures costumes, candy, and pumpkin carving for me. I attended a Catholic all-girls school for almost a decade. So, Halloween, and subsequently All Saints Day and All Souls Day, also brings an air of melancholy as I reflect on all my loved ones who’ve passed. Coincidentally, I also lost both my grandmother and father during the fall, which only amplifies these thoughts.

Recently, I listened to the short story “Dragonflies” by Sharon Sanders. A family packs up the effects of their deceased matriarch and, as they’re doing so, contend with all the issues families often deal with when a loved one dies: secrets, expectations, and interrogations.

I have done this process three times in the past five years. The process is the same every time; boxing up my family’s lives has only amplified those choices I’m most insecure about.

My dad died in October 2016, my senior year of college, which prompted an early existential crisis about what I wanted to do with my life. Without the resistance of my dad telling me to get a Ph.D., I didn’t dare to admit my ambitions until recently.

Since my maternal grandma died in April 2020 and my paternal grandmother died last Thanksgiving, I’ve felt like a chapter in my life has come to an end. My grandmothers were some of my first mentors, and so without them as sounding boards, I’ve had to learn again how to stand in my truth.

In a previous substack post about haunted houses, I mentioned my interest in writing personally about death. I am also interested in writing about how Black families and communities process and understand death, especially after the global pandemic. Since COVID, my interest in funerary traditions has also manifested in my attempt to get a hold of my anxiety with or without a therapist, as I don’t have the insurance to cover regular visits. As I build an understanding of the traditional and contemporary ways Black communities honor life, I am coming to understand how I can bring more of myself everywhere.

The theme at my gym, “Face your Fears,” also supports this theme I’ve developed. Starting with Halloween, we’re entering a season of deep reflection and contention with the cycles of life and death. A new year approaches, and I need the time to slow down and face my choices. It’s a process that often feels like packing up china and dragonfly collections after a funeral; each moment in the year must be cataloged, evaluated, and repackaged.

I don’t mean to sound like Charlie Brown with the sad Christmas tree about Halloween. But also, we’re entering a season of death and tradition. November through New Year’s Day can conjure dark feelings for those missing folks for the first time or who must feel the weight of family for two months again. Regardless, it’s the time of year to grieve the life I’m no longer living and prepare the way for next year.

Random Halloween Thoughts

This is a pro candy corn account!

I tricked myself by choosing a book about suicide I thought would be a murder mystery.

My students should be impressed. I’ve worn a different Halloween-themed outfit or accessory to class for four weeks.

I watched Nightmare on Elm Street recently, and I need to watch more 80s horror!